Sunday, December 16, 2012

Missing Philadelphia

Recently, I started watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Although I think this show is hilarious, it makes me realize how much I miss Philadelphia. I lived there for the better part of three and a half years while I was in art school. They were probably the most interesting and exciting years in my life, but I am very cautious not to over-romanticize the experience of living there. 

Philly is (or at least can be) very dirty. There were sections between 11th and 13th Street that would be literally covered with dog shit all the time (imagine how that smelled in the scorching summer heat). Everything was more expensive there twelve years ago than where I am living now. It was a difficult place to make ends meet after I dropped out of school. And, perhaps worst of all, living in a relatively large city is particularly lonely and depressing if you are as bad at making interpersonal connections as I am. Being out and about was a constant reminder of how many more attractive and interesting people were in the area that I couldn't possibly bond with in a meaningful way.

And yet, despite all that, I miss living in a city like Philadelphia. Living there made me feel like I was somewhere important, even if I wasn't doing anything important. There was a real cultural presence there, unlike the handful of galleries and theaters in Berkshire County that get blown way out of proportion in terms of importance. North Adams (where I currently live) has its advantages, but it gets presented as much more of a cultural mecca than it really is. I suppose that's good for tourism in the summer.

Philly seemed to have many more interesting, smart, creative people living there compared to North Adams, but I may be somewhat biased since I was enrolled in art school most of the time I lived in Philly, plus it has a greater volume of people period, regardless of how they might be categorized. I probably interact with other people in North Adams as often as I did when I lived in my last apartment in Philly, which is to say I don't go out often at all.

What I probably miss the most about Philly is being twelve years younger. I don't think I ever truly enjoyed my younger days since it's always been difficult for me to let go and have fun. Of course I can't go back and do it over, but I wish that I had lived more during my twenties. I regret that I didn't try to date more (especially since I may have been more appealing to women my age back then). Nowadays, it feels like I'm at a dead end with little hope of building the happy, engaging life that I've always craved.

Nevertheless, I still think living in a major city would possibly make me feel more alive than I do right now. I would like to go out more and date women, and I think it would be easier in a more populous area, perhaps. Maybe I'd want to try a different one than Philly if I move away from North Adams in the future, who knows?